Emotion

There seems to be a shelf-life to my resolutions. I start to feel stressed or hurried and they go right out the door with the compost.

I spent much of the last several months keeping my eating of grains and sugars to a minimum. I was feeling good, losing weight, and generally keeping higher energy.

Then the stress started piling up, stacking up in impossible piles, tipping over and spilling all over the floor, spreading to every flat surface in my home and life.

Today marked the passing of another mama sheep. She labored hard to deliver her babies but they refused to be born. I have participated in two unsuccessful animal labor interventions. I did not want to have another one staining my hands, so I let her try. Once she had passed I thought there might still be life in the three who were inside. There was no life.

Add to today, the load of those who have not survived on my farm this year. The mistakes and unexpected expenses. The trials and failures. The money gushing away from us like water breaking before birth. The failing health of my grandpa. The emotion of knowing he is not long for this world. The stress of work overload and training someone new during our busiest time of year.

I cried a little today. Here and there. In chorus with my sister. During a stolen moment in the car. When my son inquired, "Are you OK mama?"

A really good cry is in order, but so far there is not time for it. Perhaps tomorrow.

Does any-bunny hear me?