Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Day 36 - Beloved

I have been trying to be honest and open with this blog lately. Saying exactly how I feel. I have not spent as much time editing and making it perfect either. To continue with that theme I would like to tell you about my beloved.

I love my husband. I really do. It is a forever, no matter what kind of love. In it for the long haul. Forever. This is one small instance in the many happy moments of our lives.

I realized again tonight that when husband is sick or incapacitated from pain I get angry.

He called me today at work with a complaint and I really did not know what to say. I tried to offer ideas on how to make it better, but mostly I was just wanting to get back to work.

I did not think of it again until I arrived home and he was still unwell. I started feeling angry. He was supposed to go to work tonight. I was hoping to have a quite kid evening and get caught up on something.

"I can't work like this tonight"

I get very worried when he calls in unable to work. I worry that one of these days they are just going to let him go because he cannot work consistently. It has happened so often before this line of work. This is the only time I have seen him keep a common interest, job, and employer in all the years I have known him. What if this call is the one that gets him fired.

"I think we better go to the ER."

I get so mad that I have to bring him to the doctor. Why couldn't he have taken care of it earlier (on his own without a vehicle). There should have been some way. Why am I always reminding him, nagging him, to get him to the doctor appointments, but suddenly the world is ending and I have to bring him to the ER instantly.

I do not feel any compassion, only annoyance. I lose all my kindness and instead I become this odd, business faced automaton helping him get up, bringing him to the car, throwing together snacks for the kids, driving, answering check in questions. Annoyed. Mostly hollow and kind of empty. And very, very tired.

I am always painfully aware of how unfair it is that I react the way I do. When my kids are injured I am by their side, cuddling them, offering medicine, suggesting, talking through solutions.

I am at fault and I do not know the solution.

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