Finished

Finished.

I actually did it. I stuck with something for the entire length of the challenge. I wrote every day, perhaps not my best work, but I got in here and wrote. I put a photo up too. Somedays I tried really hard, other days I just threw it together - as I am sure you could tell. Still, every day writing.

Amazing. I never do this.

Now the real food thing did not go as well. That was my usual attempt that faded off. Especially this past week - week and a half. Too much stress led to not saying no, and ending up eating a ton of junk food. The scale at the store agreed with my feeling that I had gone overboard. 

Here is to a healthy change reboot.

Fun little experiment:

I put the last inch of a celery bunch in a cup of water - look it's growing!

46 - Roots

Roots

I am slightly late with this post. There were Easter Baskets that needed filling. The plastic tomato containers will have chicks in the tomorrow morning.

My daughter lost another tooth. In our house the tooth fairy turns teeth into gold dollars.

The roots of traditions are wonderful things. Small things we do to create magic and wonder in our lives. Days set aside for something as simple as pizza, or as amazing as family holiday gatherings. Our new traditions branching out from the roots of childhood traditions.

Day 45 - Far

Far

How far it must have seemed that day to climb the hill.
How lonely it must have seemed that day hanging high.
How dark it must have seemed that day watching them weep.
How quiet it must have seemed that evening.

How far it must have seemed that morning walking to the tomb.
How horrifying it must have seemed that morning staring in.
How heartbreaking it must have seemed that morning, empty.

How startling it must have seemed that morning seeing the gardener.

How far it must have seemed that day rushing home.

How astounding it must have seemed that day hearing the news.

How anxious it must have seemed that day waiting.

How brilliant it must have seemed that day.

Day 44 - Cup

Cup

I blew out a cup's worth of eggs today. Eggs for the kids to paint. The eggs I will be able to use in baking for an Easter Party. We rarely do the typical hard boiled color kits. I like blowing out eggs because they last longer and you have a lovely collection from year to year. I need to start storing them more securely though, we break a bunch throughout the years. Maybe this year I will remember to put them in egg cartons!

The amount of unreal food in the house is dwindling. It has been especially hard on my husband who is a devout follower of all things fake. Because of this I try to mix up the usual meal choices, make new treats, bake more. Unfortunately I am out of flour again, and there is nothing easy for my husband to feed the children who are home from school tomorrow.

I have a few boxed baking mixes in the cupboard, Completely unreal and full of junk, but I may have to resort to baking them for consumptions tomorrow and the family Easter Party so that I do not over extend the budget.

I really should find a place to get 50lb Bags of whole wheat flour like my mom did when we were growing up. Maybe I would stop running out.

Can i borrow a cup or two of flour ;)

Day 43 - Help

Help

Today a miracle or sorts occurred. My husband was officially recognized by the Social Security System as Disabled. We have been jumping through their paperwork hoops since September 2010 (this time around - we tried this once before).

His lawyer freaked us out a week ago. The laywer thought we should just drop the case because of lack of evidence. We lucked out and we had an awesome judge who listened and was thoughtful and their expert job placement person said definitely no work. Wow.

I feel like I now have "proof" of what I have been aware of for years. Something to show the doubters.

Today was hugely stressful. My husband has been having panic attacks for this past week. Horribly debilitating spasmic breathing attacks.

To help calm him, I told him that this decision would change nothing. We would still have the same life, the same goals, the same plans. The only difference was the amount of time it would take to reach those goals. I told him that God was in control and He had a plan. I told him that God placed the people in authority. I told him and kept repeating the same phrases to myself.

Then they told me I could not go into the courtroom. I almost broke down then. All that stress, all that prep time, and now I was shut out of the proceedings. It was the more nerve wracking hour in my recent past.

Then when they came out and my husband was smiling, and he gave me the thumbs up. Tears were brimming, as were my husbands, and I think even the lawyer would have joined us if we had given into them. Wow.

This will help our budget amazingly. We have been toiling away bit by bit, paying down the debt, scraping by, driving cars past their fix it dates, using make-shift animal shelters. This may be the year that we finally get things going the right way.

We are currently pondering priorities, but this is the basic idea we had discussed prior to today's decision:

1. 10% Give
2. $1000 emergency fund (I would like to increase this to a months worth of expenses if the amount is enough $3000)
3. Debt Payment
4. Fix Cars
5. Tractor
6. Debt Payment

The lawyer said it will take 1-3 months to begin receiving funds. They are paying back benefits to September 2010. Even after the lawyer fees, it should be a decent amount.

Help will come!

I splurged and brought home ice cream, chocolate, strawberries, and pineapple. It was a lovely treat at the end of this emotional day.
---
Side note - no deaths today - yippee!

Day 42 - Light

Light

I just brought home two baby chicks. They are Seramas - they are a tiny breed. We had purchased 3 of them originally, but they have all died, I do not know why. So why did purchase two more. Because I wanted to surprise the kids for Easter.

Problem 1: I still do not have the best set up for my chickens and I still do not know what I am doing wrong this year.

Problem 2: My husband does not like the chicks, he does not like the set up we have, and he really does not like the fact that we brought home two new chicks.

Problem 3: I simply do not have the money to make the changes I wish I could make.

My two new chicks need temperatures around 95 - 100˚ which means they need to be close enough to the heat light to be warm. The rest of my chicks are old enough that they do not need that temperature. Plus, they would just pick on and hurt my new babies if I kept them together.

So I am once again faced with the problem of sorting out who goes where and how to contain the chicks I do have. I wish I was living the life I used to live. Where things I needed were just charged because we "needed" it.

I hate this month by month struggle to just get by. I hate having  to worry about whether or not there is enough to pay the bills and feed the animals. I hate having to spend the last few days of each pay period wondering if I will have to give in and use my line of credit. I haven't for a few years now. I somehow manage despite myself to keep going. Somehow each month we get by.

This horribly hard spring has made me second guess each decision and each choice and each plan. I wonder if the signs are pointing toward just giving up, getting rid of all of the animals, planning, and starting over.

The mud is starting to appear everywhere making me realize there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Day 41 - Rejoice

Rejoice!

How can I rejoice in suffering and sorrow. Trials and tribulations mean we are growing stronger in character, however, it does not make it easier to bear.

This winter and spring - if you can call it that - has been hard. We have lost so many animals especially babies this year, it has been horribly tough. I feel like everything I have learned this far is pointless because it does not seem to have had an affect. Money has been too tight to call a vet - not that there are any actual vets who will help us with our goats.

In this area there are one or two vets who are goat qualified. Neither of them can take any new clients.

We need to go to vet school, and learn more about our animals, and provide better care for them, and for our friends who we are selling goats to. I also need to figure out a way to afford a barn which will ease much of our problems, theoretically.

Rejoice.

Perhaps I have gained a better perspective on what we should be doing or what we need. Perhaps I have gained a thicker skin toward death. With winter hanging on with both fists, and my shrinking paycheck, I am having trouble seeing the silver lining.

Rejoice.

I have much that I have been blessed with, and I rejoice in all the good around me. I can rejoice in the every day small pleasures and pray for a better tomorrow.

Rejoice.

Right now I am rejoicing over the blueberry filled rolls I just took out of the oven - mmmm.

Day 40 - Blessed

How am I blessed? Let me count the ways.

I have a husband who loves me even when I am not being kind in return.
I have children who adore me even when I am too busy to be with them.
I have family and friends who love me.
I have great neighbors.
I have a beautiful home full of items I enjoy.
I have a vehicle that runs.
I have a job.
I can bake very good bread that people will pay to buy and eat.
I can raise goats who produce milk that I can make into cheese and yogurt.
I got more than 1 gallon of milk from my goats today!
I can read.
I fall asleep easily.
I am good with numbers and paperwork.
I have paid down my debt, slowly but surely.
I have a budget and I have been sticking to is for at least 2 years.
I have property.
I know how to preserve food.
I have internet and computer access at home.
I can work from home at least once per week.

I could continue but my time is running short. The bread is out of the oven and I need my sleep.

Day 39 - Restore

Today we were able to restore our septic system to a temporarily working order. I say temporarily because part of it is frozen, and we just need to wait until spring to have it functioning fully again.

In the mean time I must conserve my water usage - significantly.

Restore.

While digging through layers of hay, ice, and refuse we came upon a wonderful sight, blades of green grass, hidden beneath those layers, safe and delicate. A restoration of the green from the deep layers of white and brown and slop. A moment of hope in a murphy's law kind of week.

I made this lovely mini fudgey chocolate cake recipe this evening - ringed in strawberry jelly. Too bad i forgot to photo before they were eaten. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Mini-Fudgey-Chocolate-Cakes-232714 this lovely dessert has helped restore my husbands good mood.

Day 38 - Alone

It is Friday night.

It has been a long week, and a long day.

I am sitting here alone on the sofa while the rest of the house sleeps.

I really want to go to sleep.  So goodnight.

Day 37 - Home

Home is the place where 

Chickens cluck from the basement, 

Goats bounce across the living room floor, 

Lambs drink from bottles, and 

Rabbits explore the kitchen. 

Home is the place where

The oven is almost always on and full of wonderful smelling food, 

Counters are cluttered with recipes and remains of dinner, and

Fridges are packed with fresh colorful produce. 

Home is the place where 

Teeth turn into gold dollars, 

Tiny spoons are used for ice cream, and 

Wrestling tickle fights occur often. 

Home is the place where 

Walls are smothered with photos, 

Shelves are lined with books, and 

Beds are piled with blankets.

Home.

Day 36 - Beloved

I have been trying to be honest and open with this blog lately. Saying exactly how I feel. I have not spent as much time editing and making it perfect either. To continue with that theme I would like to tell you about my beloved.

I love my husband. I really do. It is a forever, no matter what kind of love. In it for the long haul. Forever. This is one small instance in the many happy moments of our lives.

I realized again tonight that when husband is sick or incapacitated from pain I get angry.

He called me today at work with a complaint and I really did not know what to say. I tried to offer ideas on how to make it better, but mostly I was just wanting to get back to work.

I did not think of it again until I arrived home and he was still unwell. I started feeling angry. He was supposed to go to work tonight. I was hoping to have a quite kid evening and get caught up on something.

"I can't work like this tonight"

I get very worried when he calls in unable to work. I worry that one of these days they are just going to let him go because he cannot work consistently. It has happened so often before this line of work. This is the only time I have seen him keep a common interest, job, and employer in all the years I have known him. What if this call is the one that gets him fired.

"I think we better go to the ER."

I get so mad that I have to bring him to the doctor. Why couldn't he have taken care of it earlier (on his own without a vehicle). There should have been some way. Why am I always reminding him, nagging him, to get him to the doctor appointments, but suddenly the world is ending and I have to bring him to the ER instantly.

I do not feel any compassion, only annoyance. I lose all my kindness and instead I become this odd, business faced automaton helping him get up, bringing him to the car, throwing together snacks for the kids, driving, answering check in questions. Annoyed. Mostly hollow and kind of empty. And very, very tired.

I am always painfully aware of how unfair it is that I react the way I do. When my kids are injured I am by their side, cuddling them, offering medicine, suggesting, talking through solutions.

I am at fault and I do not know the solution.

Day 35 - Dream

I am working on perfecting my 100% whole wheat bread. I found two recipes online that were within my requirements and tried them both out - new methods. Looking for the best method to make my dream bread.

Unfortunately they both require several hours and extra steps which leads me to now, 10:28 pm and I am just putting them in the oven - and it is before I am supposed to, so they will not be as highly risen as I was hoping.

It was either that or set an alarm and nap on the couch and hope I got enough sleep between rising and baking.

So here I sit waiting for the bread to bake and thinking about today.

My husband has a social security claim which has finally come to the hearing phase. We are scheduled next week. We went in to talk with the lawyer today and he said we should just drop the case with no contest because there is no evidence to support our case.

Seriously.

How do you wait for 2 1/2 years, going through endless waiting periods, filling out paper work, struggling, hoping, only to have the lawyers give up on you a week before the hearing. Apparently Seth does not go to the doctor often enough, and does too much. Never mind that chores that I can finish in 30 minutes take him 2-4 hours depending on the day.

The problem in my sleep deprived brain's opinion is I have not staying on top of this. I have not kept all the medical records, I have not been recording days he can't go to work because of pain, I have not been pushing him to go to doctor's appointments. I did not have the energy or organization capabilities to do that. I thought this lawyer was different and was keeping on top of things. So maybe tomorrow I will call the doctors and ask for copies of all the records and fax them to the lawyer, and maybe I will write up statements about his work record, you know, do the lawyers job for them.

I am so tired of struggling against this. I just want to give up. Can I please?

Photo won't post.

Day 34 - Rise

Breads rise.

I love baking bread.

When I came home from work today my husband sheepishly told me he had consumed an entire bag of  scones from the freezer. "I eat a lot of bread during the day, and there is no other bread right now."

I set about starting a batch of bread. I asked my son what kind he wanted me to bake and he requested something new, something from a cookbook.

I pulled down my "French Farm House Cookbook" by Susan Herrmann Loomis (thank you Chris & Jackie!) and turned to the Pain (bread) section. There were several typical recipes for yeast breads, then he got excited when he saw "Ham and Parsley Bread." I was hoping we would all like it because I was not sure what else we would eat for dinner.

It is amazing! My son has requested that we make it again, and we are not even through the first loaf. Very rich and filling. Eggs and baking powder are what make this bread rise.

It is a fun book because it gives stories about the areas the recipes are from as well as about the food or the people the author gathered the recipes from. The bread section has a definition of sorts about the difference between a Boulangerie and a Patisserie. The first being primarily breads with some sweets, the second being mostly sweets and some breads. I would rather own the Boulangerie!

For dinner I also wanted to make some ratatouille. However the directions are very long and involved. While it cooked we ate bread and raw vegetables. I only just finished the ratatouille. Too bad I am not hungry because it tastes so good. I also pulled the recipe from the French Farm book.

I love it when a new recipe exceeds my expectations.

day 33 - New

I tried some new recipes for preserving tomatoes and peppers this last week.

Roasted peppers, roasted tomatoes, and tomato paste!

I am most excited by the tomato paste - so many recipes call for those little cans of super concentrated tomato flavor! It took me 2 days, and many Roma tomatoes to create the final product: 3 cups of tomato paste.

Tonight we ate pizza: smothered in tomato paste (mine is not as thick as the store kind), roasted red and green peppers, onions, turkey ham, and home made feta. It was amazing! Too bad I did not think to take a photo because it is now all gone.

Tomato paste:
Chop and cook tomatoes until soft
Push through metal strainer or use a food mill to get out seeds and skin
Put in the oven 300 for a few hours, stirring occasionally, turn off oven, go to bed
Forget about it
Turn on the oven for something else the next day
Realize the tomatoes are still in the oven, stir, see that they are still liquidy
Leave oven on for a few more hours, stirring occasionally
Leave tomatoes in oven and turn it off
repeat
Suddenly realize when turning on the oven for pizza that there is tomatoes in the oven, pull them out in a panic because they are starting to get a little black around the edges, realize they are actually perfect consistency, rejoice.
Put paste into jar or jars, cover with a thick layer of olive oil to preserve.

There are recipes online that you are probably better off following for time and temperature.

Roasted peppers:
Turn on boiler
Coat pan with olive oil
Put whole peppers on pan
Put under broiler for about 5 minutes
Take out when black on one side
Flip to unblackend side
Repeat until whole pepper is mosly black
Let cool slightly in paper bag or covered container
Peel (red pepper peel the easiest, yellow are a little harder, green are the hardest)
Cut out the seeds

Day 32 - Surround

I am lucky.

We brought home the two baby goats who we had sold but things had turned bad. Apparently the woman who bought them surrounds herself with the wrong sort of people. Overbearing, bitter, controlling people - or at least one friend. The friend was the one who sent the startling messages with unforgiving tones. The purchaser was simply worried about her baby goats and asked a friend for help. The friend then made assumptions which lead to accusations. The fleas assumption was from one goat having sore ears from his car mate trying to "nurse" on his ears. The other assumption was how to feed a baby goat a bottle. Goat babies need it upside down or nearly so to duplicate typical nursing position on a mama goat. I wish she had just called us and asked for advice, it may have saved many hours of heartache for all of us. We are now planning a fact sheet for all future purchasers.

I have many wonderful people who surround me. One of those friends drove the over 140 miles to go fetch the babies and bring them home, and then helped us milk all our goats and feed the little guys. In exchange Harold is now theirs.

We are fortunate indeed.

Thank you all who offered good words and kind thoughts.



And speaking of surround - I am surrounded by some of the best kids!

Day 31 - Temper

We sold some of our baby goats today. I always hate to see them go so early, but people enjoy the idea of bottle babies because they are much friendlier.

Unfortunately one of our customers discovered fleas on the goats after they brought them into their home. Then paid $100 to get rid of the fleas. Now they expect us to drive 70 miles (140 round trip) to refund their $100 or they are threatening to report to craigslist and the humane society.

Now we have a horrible cold sinking feeling in our guts.

Their temper tantrum is potentially going to cause a huge problem.

Our minds are now rolling with what ifs. The texts are such that there is no way to speak logic to them. They purchased farm animals, on a cool, muddy, gross, end of winter day. How do you calm them before they tear a hole in the very fabric of our lives.

I am familiar with this type of customer, they are not happy no matter how far you bend over backwards for them. There is no smoothing it over.

What if the humane society inspects us and claims our animals are neglected and takes them away?
What if craigslist black lists us and we no longer have that option for selling things?
What if they see the state of our home where sometimes goats roam, plus chickens in the basement, and they decide that we are not properly caring for our own children?

I know our animals are happy. I also know that things in the early spring on the farm are horrible and gross and mucky and full of poo. We think the fleas were brought in by our new milking sheep. We have just realized they are always itching themselves. There is no way to treat them until their wool is shorn in a month. Can I possibly clean things enough to satisfy someone fueled by a temper rampage or smooth things over with a unsatisfied customer?

Are we one of those horrible places you see on the animal horror shows. Where people can hardly believe the conditions the animals live in. I know it is not clean, but is it that bad?

Given the option, I would drive to their home, give them their money back and bring my babies home.

Day 30 - Go

That's all. I have to get up early. I have to make the kids lunches and leave super early if I am going to commute in the ugly weather tomorrow. So no go on the go blog post.

Day 29 - Water

My kids are taking swimming lessons, first time, level 1. I am amazed at how quickly they are catching on to swimming. Girl child has no fear and is swimming underwater a little already. Boy child has a little fear, but is trying and is not far behind girl. Very proud and excited for them.

My picture is related to something else that came up today.

I was reading a small business newspaper. It was talking about how it really is not as risky as you would think to start a new business. Perhaps it is more risky to start a new job - most people stay at a company for less than 5 years. Most small businesses last more than 5 years. 

Since having children and moving to the farm I have longed to be home full time. Our financial situation does not allow this. I need a home based income source and then i will not need to work away from home.

Then I started pondering as I always do, how to go about starting my own business and what it would be. This always leads to 50 brilliant ideas many of which are at odds with each other.

Thinking, pondering, and praying - which direction do I choose, what should I pursue. Should I really be looking harder for work closer to home, or do I stick were I am and try to create a home business.

Giving in to temptation I picked up a Dove Chocolate Promise:

Day 28 - Silence

The sound of baby goats and sheep and chickens rules my home of late. Except after dark. Once all the babies are tucked in their respective beds and bins and the chick lights go out silence rules. A strange vibrating silence from the fridge periodically running, the house fan kicking on and off, the rabbits as they shift about their cage.

Earlier this evening we brought in the two born today. They are not silent, they are screamers, and not like the nice soft newborn sound that most of our babies have, no, they are intensely loud, vital, enthusiastic screamers. We named them Burt & Ernie Reindeer. Below is Ernie.

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. There is much to do and my time seems already spread so thin, thinner than our budget. The kids do not really notice the odd dinners, but my husband is starting to feel desperate for some meat with his dinner.

The lamb will come back from the butcher on Thursday, just a few more days.

One of the reasons I am feeling overwhelmed is the lack of funds for groceries. Not that we do not have tons of food in the house. However, since I am not a planner, dinner always feels odd and thrown together. Because I am trying to avoid the grocery, it is even more odd and thrown together, because I do not feel like I have anything to make. Mostly because we are out of our standard grains. Never mind that I have so many vegetables in the house that we could eat salad constantly for days and still have more than enough. Perhaps if I cook a chicken tomorrow it will feel better. Make a plan.

I know planning helps. I know that if I just sat down and wrote out what we were eating we would have more than enough for the rest of the month. Instead I feel strained and strapped because there are not some of my old standbys. I have all the fixings for a lovely meal of chicken & potatoes. I could make stuffed peppers with wild rice. I could make rattatuii.

Instead I sit here lamenting because there is only ugly white flour in the cupboard and no pasta. Seriously what is my issue.

Mostly I am just worn out from all the babies (we are up to 11 goat babies, 3 lambs - and more on the way, 23 chicks.) There is too much to do with working full time and trying to do this farm life thing.

It will get easier. I will learn to enjoy the silence and the noise.

Day 27 - Happy

Today was a good day.

Charlie had two of the most beautiful lambs today.

I am happy to present

Blue Bird Butterfly or BB for short

and Molly Dragonfly

We have been helping their mama Charlie out by bringing them in and warming them and bottle feeding them. I am looking forward to seeing what they look like as they fluff out and get rid of the last bits of birthing gook.

My attempts at intervention succeeded today.

Happy dreams of counting bouncing lambs and goat kids.

Day 26 - Ate

Today for dinner we ate completely against the real food plan. Instant potatoes made with evaporated milk, halloween turns-your-mouth-black Koolaid, canned peaches with sugar in them, and while we were eating I had enriched white flour bread rising on the counter, and jello setting in the fridge.

It has been one of those days.

We had friends stop by to see the new babies, plus we had four new babies born today. We were sorting through my second case of peas when suddenly we realized it was 6 pm and had no plans for dinner. The chili we had eaten for lunch was not what we wanted for dinner. I had used up the last of my whole wheat flour making biscuits earlier and we are still waiting for the lamb to come back from the butcher.

I sent the kids to the basement to dig through the bags of unreal food and choose anything they wanted.

Vin brought:
Instant potatoes
Koolaid

and Lily brought:

Jello

Peaches

There was the pot of peas I cooked and served. Unfortunately only 2 of us like cooked peas.

So now I am sitting on the sofa, typing, reading Facebook, eating white bread smothered in jelly and peanut butter, wondering how I am going to make it through this next week. I am overwhelmed with goat babies. I am overwhelmed with produce. I am overwhelmed with an ultra-tight budget. I am overwhelmed by winters unending grasp. I am overwhelmed by all the ice that surrounds my home making it treacherous for my husband. I am overwhelmed by the daily choices that must be made when trying to best aid our farm in growing and producing.

And so today I threw out the rules and ate too much junk and cried for the loss of one little lamb that I worked too hard to save. It seems my intervention is always wrong.

At least it is homemade warm tasty white bread?

Day 25 - Faithful

The word faithful reminds me of the parable of the talents. "He who is faithful with much will be given much."

Today we received much from Matthew 25 food distribution. 5 cases of tomatoes, 3 cases of bell peppers, and 2 cases of snow peas.

My children and husband were disappointed that we arrived late and missed the fruit. Last time I was able to use the blueberries we received to make scones - 3 batches - each of which disappeared in less than 24 hours. Plus the fruit is always nice to have in the house for lunches. Benefits to arriving late were that we could take as much of what was left as we could use.

I have spent much of today faithfully sorting peas, blanching peas, cooling peas, bagging peas, freezing peas. Blanching tomatoes, peeling tomatoes, pureeing tomatoes, chopping peppers, soaking beans, cooking beans, chopping peppers, and still I need to do more to have a super sized pot of chili tomorrow. This evening I remembered the fat jar in the fridge and made biscuits.  Got rave reviews and it went really well with the tomato stew I made for lunch and dinner.

Faithful with much? I sometimes struggle with finding ways to keep up with the much. Sometimes I am not faithful and let it go bad because I lack motivation or inspiration or simply lack time.

I want to create perfection in my recipes and that often means I am searching the internet for new ideas. I am currently looking up how to make tomato paste. I let myself get lost in the search instead of sticking with what I know and at least not wasting what I have. My husband is really hoping for stuffed peppers with lamb. mmmmmmmm. We should have lamb next week.

I hope to be faithful and use it all even if I just make several large batches of tomato sauce.

---
Thanks hubby for helping me fill out this post.

Day 24 - Find

I spent much of today sorting out papers. Digging through drawers. Emptying boxes.

I believe that I have officially gone through every bit of 2012! Now I just need to work a few more numbers, slap them into the tax software, and hit send!

Now before too much celebrating, when I say I went through it all, I confess I still have a stack of things I really want to do/read/look into. These things wait because I really need to finish my taxes so I would not let my self stop and look through any of those papers.

I was very happy to find that my file cabinet actually had space for all my papers! AND I actually had the metal hanging parts and file folders and labels to be able keep track of those papers - yeah me!

Day 23 - No

I have had to say NO to myself multiple times today. Mostly because I am putting off finishing my taxes. I have no problem doing my taxes, I enjoy it actually (yes I am a nerd). However it is the gathering of paperwork that is my issue.

I am unorganized. I keep tons of paper. More than I need to. I am working on keeping less, and do a little better every year. Except, every time I hold a party at my home my go to response is to take the last few items and shove them somewhere, a box, a bag, a bin, a drawer. The plan is always to get back to it later. Well welcome to later.

Today I declared I could not do any of the creative projects I really want to do until I finished my taxes.

I still have a few more items to calculate, but I think I will be done tomorrow.

I must keep saying NO to myself!

Day 22 - Shadow

Shadow

I have a very active imagination. 

If I let it get the best of me I can become afraid of the dark. 

In the corner of my eye I see a glimpse of something, an animal, a person, a ghost. 

They dance and shimmer on the edges of my vision leaving me spinning. 

The shadows shift and move.

I love walking at night.

The cool, peace.

Natures silence.

Stars brilliant against the violet sky.

The shadows shift and move.

Day 21 - Night

Night

Right now there are 5 baby goats tucked into bins for the night, and 20 some chicks twittering in the basement. Usually they calm down when I turn out the lights, but not tonight.

I enjoy the quite of the house at night. I like being able to move about without anyone calling for my attention. Some nights I get things done, laundry, dishes, paper sorting. Other nights I sit and veg on the couch and watch the telle
.

Day 20 - Bless

It is easy to think of all the ways I have been blessed. However, it seems more difficult to come up with how I have blessed others.

I try to be generous but find that I rarely have the opportunity simple because we are always so low on funds. I love having people over and feeding them, or sending them home with canned goods. We have 2 close neighbors who we bring food when it strikes our fancy. I especially love to share a new baked good I have tried making with whole wheat flour.

So if you are in need of pickles, applesauce, or bread. Let me bless you with some. It will make me smile.

Day 19 - Thirst

Thirst

Today my wonderful goat Emily gave birth. First born was tiny Reuben. He is the smallest of triplets. Three born on 3/3/13. Usually within 5 - 10 minutes of being born a goat will try to stand. Reuben did not do much of anything except doze. I helped Emily out by moving the three to a less soggy location, drying them slightly. 

We decided to bring Reuben in to bottle feed him once we saw his siblings both stand. We gave him a little honey and used a syringe to get some stored colostrum into him. One of our goats lost her baby so we luckily had fairly fresh first milk in the fridge. 

Without that desire to live, the struggle to stand, the thirst, he had to be coaxed into living. Once he found that desire we all rejoiced.

It seemed like it took all day, but he is now truly thirsty. He is up and walking around on his own and looks like he will make it! His (almost twice his size) brother and sister are doing fine out with Emily and the other goats.

In case you are curious, we are selling most of our babies. Reuben has already by claimed. Current baby count 5. More to come!

Day 18 - Leave

Today I was able to leave the house for several hours. I went out for coffee and shopping with a friend. Have not had the opportunity to do that for quite awhile. It was lovely and less expensive than an event like this would have been during my old spending habit days. We hit several stores to get price quotes on farming equipment. Then picked up a few fun things at the thrift store. Found a lovely pair of red shoes. I have been missing red shoes.

A lovely day without the usual expense.

Day 17 - Prophet

A prophet is one who knows things about the future that most people do not.I am trying to think of what it looks like. I have seen photos of people with sandwich boards with prophetic sayings. I have heard people say things that have later come true. When I hear Prophet I think profit. I also thing aboutold testament men in home spun robes eating odd desert food.Raising goats and sheep makes me see alot of the bible stories in a different light. Learning about the land and eating wild foods makes locust and honey sound intreguing. The fact that we are compared to sheep makes me giggle sometimes because sheep really are not smart. They spook over silly things and run headlong as a group. Buying grown sheep is not always a good idea.They do not know us and so they panic more. good night. i am tired. i have no inspiration today. and my computer will not allow me to update and change any of my mistakes - sorry.